The Zen of Saying ‘No’
Fear of Saying No
Grumpy, stroppy, feisty…
Does this sound like anyone you know?
I was walking past a primary school yesterday as the children were leaving the playground at the end of the day and saw a boy howling at his mother because she wouldn’t take him to the sweet shop.
“It’s not fair!” he shouted.
The mother stayed silent.
“You’re so mean!”
I watched as her shoulders started to creep up to her neck. Stress and frustration oozed out of her.
She tried to reach for his hand as they approached a side road filled with cars and the boy twisted his body away and shouted “No!”
The woman stood still and waited. I glimpsed her face. Her eyes were blazing, her mouth was set firm.
The boy stood and scowled up at her.
Seconds passed.
Silence. And then I watched as she took a deep breath and said, very simply and quietly, ‘I said no‘.
The boy looked at her for a moment. He looked confused. And then his frustration seemed to fall away. He took her hand and they crossed the road together.
Where do you stand?
Sometimes saying ‘no’ can feel like the hardest thing in the world to do. Especially if you need to say it to someone you love, like your own child. Here you are faced with this person who you love and cherish and yet you need to lay down some boundaries, to establish who is the adult in the relationship and yes, to say ‘no’ from time to time.
It can help to know that you are not the only person in the world that finds it hard to say it – and to mean it – and (which sometimes feels even harder to do!) – not to worry about it once you have said it.
A fear of saying no can stem from many things -
- A fear of disapproval
- A fear that love will be withheld
- A fear of speaking up
- A fear of getting it wrong
- A fear of standing your own ground
- A fear of rejection
- Low self esteem
You may have heard of the term ‘people pleaser’. People pleasers typically find it excruciatingly hard to say no. It doesn’t sound like much – it’s only a two letter word after all – but imagine the trouble that can happen if you cross a people pleaser with anything that involves an element of risk.
For example:
- Drink – you can understand where not being able to say no can get you
- Drugs – ditto
- Sex – and again, ditto
Even aspects of your life that are seemingly risk free, for example:
- Work – if you can’t say no you could be heading for burnout
- Family – ditto
- Friends – ditto
Can lead you to losing yourself, your needs, wants, passions and desires in the needs of other people.
It sounds stressful, doesn’t it?
Being able to say no. And to mean it without worrying about any consequences can be extremely liberating.
Saying no doesn’t always come easily. But it’s a good example to set for your children and it’s good practice in your own life.
Start with something small.
A friend asks to do something but you are too tired to do it. Say no.
Your partner asks you out to an event you don’t want to attend. Say no.
A waitress asks if you want to order pudding when you are already full. Say no.
(Of course, you can add a ‘thank you’ on the end to all these ‘no’s’).
Saying ‘no’ and then letting go can be strangely liberating. Suddenly you will find yourself with time for yourself, with energy and enthusiasm you had forgotten you had. Instead of worrying about what people think and about how others might feel about the fact that you have said no you will start to move onto the next thing in your life. Saying no can save hours of your time!
‘Zen’ can be defined as something that is meditative or that brings about a meditative state. Freeing yourself from worrying about the effects of saying the word ‘no’ brings a meditative state to your life.
The mother who crossed the road calmly with her child had negated all of his anger and all of his frustration with a clear and simple boundary. The child knew where he stood, knew his mother’s position and was able to move on with his life calmly.
And who wouldn’t like a little more calm in their life?
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